Let's look at another important principle of our happiness recipe and that is getting comfortable with setting personal boundaries and learning the art of saying, ‘No’.
Are you one of these people, most of us are, that want to be everyone’s friends? We want people to like us and we want to please everyone so we say, ‘Yes’ to absolutely everything, even when we would rather say, ‘No’.
So why do we say, ‘Yes’?
Why is it hard to say, ‘No’?
To refuse to do a favor, decline an offer, stay home instead of go out. Saying, ‘No’ can feel like a huge risk. We don't want to upset anyone or have others say bad things about us or maybe you are like me and hate to think that people would call us selfish.
Why do you say, ‘Yes’?
o You have a fear of rejection.
o Fear hurting someone's feelings.
o Fear that they will think you are selfish.
o You’d just rather keep the peace.
o You feel guilty if you say, ‘No’.
Oprah calls this, the ‘Yes’ syndrome. So many of us have the disease to please.
Whilst we are busy doing and saying, ‘Yes’ to others, we often forget and neglect our own self-care, resulting in us running ourselves into the ground.
Back in the day I used to be such a sucker for saying, ‘Yes’. I would've definitely diagnosed myself with the "disease to please". Described as the tendency of some women to put the wants and needs of others well above their own.
Experts say many women put themselves last, behind their friends, their partners, their family, and their colleagues. The problem with any DIS-EASE that manifests in our body, is that it was created first in our minds. This saying, ‘No’ garbage is a huge problem for most of us adults and especially women as we want to be everybody's friend.
Sometimes I used to even find that when someone was asking me to do something that I didn't really want to do, I would find myself thinking, ‘no’, say, ‘no Carla’, and then I blurted out, ‘Yes’.
Dammit Carla you did it again and then I would spend the next week rationalising excuses of how I could possibly get out of it. What excuse could I come up with that they would believe. This lying didn't feel right to me, so I would just suck it up and go spend my day doing something that didn't bring me joy.
Actually, it brought me the exact opposite, resentment.
Why is it so difficult to say the word, ‘No’? It’s just a word, right? I asked myself why it was so important for me to always please everyone, to the point that I would feel exasperated because of it.
It became quite clear to me that I was afraid of saying, ‘No’ because my biggest fear was rejection. I was afraid that every time I said the word, ‘No’, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind, selfish, and rude.
Having people think negatively of me scared me for so long and I felt that it was the ultimate rejection. It always hurts so much when I would find out that a person or friend was talking negatively or bitching about me.
Whether they say what they think of me, out loud to my face or behind my back, doesn’t matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me. I have always taken pride in being a caring, kind friend and I have just found it so hard when people, especially girls become so bitchy and treat me in a way that I would try never to treat anyone else. It really hurts.
So, with some serious self-discovery I realised exactly why I found it so difficult to say, ‘No’ and why I cared so much
Can u say No easily, with no guilt?